5  Cockpit Waste Management


Unless something really scary happens, the only waste disposal problem
in the cockpit, besides power-bar wrappers, is likely to be what to do
with the urine created by your vigorous hydration-work.

For some reason, women have in general just gone ahead and
pragmatically solved the problem for themselves while men have
endlessly debated techniques.  The solutions have been
characteristically interesting.  A bottle is a favorite; peeing uphill
can be a challenge, the cap may leak or be knocked off, and the
occasional pilot forgets to stow and zip after landing.  One pilot
famously finished his 6-hour flight by unbuckling to pee and afterward
did a celebratory loop.  He did this badly, pulling some negative g's
at the top and falling out through his canopy, presumably with his
pee-bottle close behind, thus discovering his own pilot impairment:
he'd not re-fastened his seat belt.  The bottle did not have a
parachute, but the pilot did, which is why we know the story.

I heard of a doctor, a soaring pilot, who apparently catheterized
himself and wore a leg bag that was not quite hidden by his Bermuda
shorts.  I have not heard of any copy-cats.

The condom catheter (or Texas catheter) is a favorite with some
pilots, as it's non-invasive.  A leg bag can be connected, or the
tubing can be led outdoors.  The risk with these is of course plumbing
leaks, disconnections and fractures.  There was a story in Soaring
magazine, Pilots, Planes and Privies, in June, 1999 (pages 16ff) about
a pilot who used one of these, the tubing kinked, and when he could
hold back no longer, the condom filled and then exploded in the
cockpit.  These things do happen...

Darth Vader prefers one-quart baggies (I presume they're zip-lock --
twisties might be a challenge in contest conditions) which come back
unless very full.  Those are used to bomb competitors.	No word on any
missing hikers...

A recent fad has been a relief tube led out through the gear-well
door.  Apparently this is satisfactory to many airmen.	One potential
problem is that urine is very corrosive; another is that it acquires a
characteristic aroma as it ages.  No word about style points from the
mechanics doing the gear maintenance, or whether there's an aroma-
surcharge; no word from pilots on what they do when their dilute,
well-hydrated urine ices up on wave flights.  Urine is a strong salt
solution, and most of us do not spray brine deliberately on the
working parts of our aircraft.	For those who like this idea, we
merely note here that such a tube can be connected either to a condom
cath or a funnel.

Sporty's sells the Brief Relief, a disposable urinal bag containing a
chemical that instantly gels urine so that it won't spill.  This is
manufactured by American Innotek, Inc., Escondido CA 92029, phone
760-741-6600.

The astronauts and many women pilots have discovered a very efficient
solution that requires no engineering at all: adult diapers, or
nappies in the British Empire.	As you might surmise, under weightless
conditions urine does not fall into the bottle, and furthermore tends
to break up and aerosolize.  This being hard on fellow astronauts and
integrated circuits, the answer is to not let it escape at all.

Adult "briefs" are available for $12-18 for 18-22 diapers.  If you
hydrate well, I recommend the "overnight" model.  No caps, no tubes,
no catheters, and no leakage unless your production is truly
stupendous.  They keep you damp but not wet, and are easy to remove.
They fit invisibly under normal clothes (cycling shorts and chinos
excepted).  They do get a bit clammy in warm weather, and may chafe on
the walk out after an off-field landing.  My own experience is that
when I wear a diaper the urinary sphincter tightens up mysteriously,
guaranteeing a dry flight.